I’m not even sure why I’m writing this, like what’s the point—the same way I’m unsure of everything I do. I struggle with confidence in knowing what path I’m supposed to be on. What I’m meant to be doing. I struggle with knowing what’s worth it.
Modern-day society has morphed happiness into a fork of many prongs in the road. And by the time you hit 30, every passing year adds an immense pressure to pick the right one. Lest you find yourself unhappy, with limited mobility, and swimming in a pool of pain every day—all before you even reach your elder years.
In pursuit of avoiding such a fate, I inadvertently kept my level of happiness directly inverse to my level of after-work productivity.
I feel a sad guilt for spending less time shooting the shits with my friends online (I don’t have any to speak of in my locale), for not reading as many books and manga as I used to, for not remembering the last time I sat and enjoyed a feature-length film.
Will coming home every day after work to put in hours of additional work meant to improve oneself be worth it? What if the hours, days, weeks, months, and years I spend walking this path only reveal it to be the wrong one? Is there even a right path? How different is real life from a standardised play-through of a Pokémon game?
I kid but most of my problems feel equatable to Nintendo’s entertainment compared to what I see people going through every day. I’m a game developer who is pissed off because he can’t defeat the final boss that he created!!
The hardships I’ve experienced in my life so far have come from the thoughts produced by my own brain. I get upset when a loud noise breaks my concentration and I lose my train of thought, like genuinely upset!! Meanwhile, there’s a kid in the Congo missing two limbs and half of their face due to political instability and government greed far beyond their control—and they are happy. Giving thanks for the life they still have; quite literally singing and dancing through it all. Given that, the fuck is wrong with me? Why does waking up with a headache render me useless for the remainder of the day?
Why am I so soft? So weak? Why do so many little, insignificant things break me? Maybe I was just born in the wrong time? Maybe I was meant to be born in the time of the philosopher—when people were actually paid to contemplate their own existence all day long. That’s the one thing I’m good at—excellent, even!! For nobody can question what the fuck they’re meant to be doing on this planet better than I can.
Happiness is a Recursive Function
There are far too many problems in the world for someone as sensitive as I to have to process every day. And I’ve realised that a huge part of why I love Computer Science so much is because CS in and of itself is a problem—it is very literally the art of problem-solving.
I can’t fix any of the things that are wrong with the world, or figure out a way to make sure the ones I love never have to suffer. But I CAN fix the problems in my code, and eventually figure out a way to sync every time zone in the world up to a single web API; all so the otaku friends I met online can have a way to easily see at a glance when their favourite seasonal anime are on in their region.
Happiness is a very unique and powerful emotion; in programming terms, it’s a lot like a recursive function. It’s one that can be called serendipitously and unexpectedly, but happiness also has the ability to call itself. By itself. For itself.
When you’re walking the street and the rain starts pouring. You may be inclined to feel upset about having to walk home in soaked clothes. Or you can decide to be happy at the prospect of jumping into every puddle you see like a kid all the way home. You don’t even really have to do it if you’re wearing fancy shoes or something. The mere thought of knowing that you could if you wanted to should be enough to put a Thanos-sized smile on your face.
I suspect most CS students feel the same way I do about finding happiness in their work. Matter of fact, it is a fact that there are more autistic persons in STEM than in any other field—it’s all ripe for people who can’t get out of their own heads. Who knew 🤷🏽‍♂️?
Having problems is something that’s considered to directly affect your mood; the more problems you have, the more miserable and less happy you will be. Except, people who write code for a living choose to find joy in giving themselves problems to solve.
The final paragraph of the prologue to the technical epic, “The Soul of a New Machine” by Tracy Kidder, is probably the single block of text most responsible for me wanting to become a software developer—giving me a lifelong aspiration to one day build a computer from scratch.
Conclusion
Pointing the waves of my overactive brain at the all injustices in society always leads to immense depression. So instead of being sad that I can’t right the wrongs of this world, I’ll choose to be happy that I find personal fulfillment in making things for my friends and solving the problems that pop up in my code as I’m doing so. I’m overjoyed at the thought of one day building something that we can all enjoy.
Instead of lamenting the fact that I don’t have the power to create a better world, I’m choosing to be happy that I can use my words to tell beautiful stories—whether fictional or otherwise.
I’ll make the choice to be as happy as I can this year by finding joy in rediscovering my love for Computer Science. For me, this will mean keeping strict plans to a minimum and simply building and learning whatever my heart desires. Without wondering if I should or what will happen when I do things.
Whatever it is you want to do, the same applies to you. I think the goal of life isn’t to find happiness, it’s simply to decide what it is you’re going to be happy about ✌🏾💙